Information you need to live a happy, worry-free retirement!
Nov 30, 2016
Here are some "grandkid appropriate" jokes and riddles for you to enjoy. Have an appropriate joke or riddle you want to share? Post it on the Medicare MarketPlace Facebook page or on Twitter at @YourMedicare.
In a psychiatric hospital, a journalist asks a doctor, "How do you determine whether to admit a person as a patient or not?”
My five-year-old son is crazy about cars, so I took him to his first car show.
An older gentleman goes into a bar and hears the other patrons discussing the ups and down of marriage. "Next week my wife and I will celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary," he tells them.
A lawyer meets with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will.
A flight attendant for a major airline watched one day as a passenger overloaded with bags tried to stuff his belongings in the overhead bin of the plane.
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting together for Christmas, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding.
Three sisters ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together. One night, the 96-year-old starts a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.
At school, little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
Two guys were riding in a car, arguing about how to say the name of the city that they were in. One said “Louieville” and the other “Louiseville.”
A nursery school driver was delivering a van full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties.
A man traveling through the country stopped at a small roadside fruit stand and bought some apples.
A man whose son had just passed his driving test went home one evening and found that the boy had driven into the living room.
"How on earth did you manage to do that?" he fumed.
"Well, it’s quite simple, Dad. I came in through the kitchen and turned left!"
A guy goes into a doctor’s office. The doctor says, "Oh, Mr. Jones! We have the results of your test. Do you want the bad news first or the very bad news?"
The guy shrugs and says, "Well I guess I’ll have the bad news first."
"Well the bad news is, you have 24 hours to live," the doctor replies.
The man is distraught, exclaiming, "24 hours to live? That’s horrible! What could be worse than that? What’s the very bad news?"
The doctor folds his hands and sighs. "The very bad news is … I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday."
A guy was meeting a friend in a bar, and as he walked in, he noticed two pretty girls looking at him. He heard one girl say to the other, "Nine." Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his buddy at the bar and told him that the girl in the corner had just rated him a nine out of 10. "Sorry to spoil your evening," said his friend, "but when I walked in they were speaking German."
A new business was opening, and one of the owner’s friends sent flowers for the occasion. But when the owner read the card with the flowers, it said, "Rest in Peace."
The owner was a little upset and called the florist to complain. After he told the florist about the obvious mistake, the florist said, "Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, ‘Congratulations on your new location.’"
A couple attended marriage counseling to resolve communication problems. The fighting and bickering during the session was so bad the counselor called for a timeout and told them he was ending the session early but had an assignment for the husband.
"John," the marriage counselor said, "You’re an athletic guy, here is what I want you to do. I want you to jog 10 miles every day for the next 30 days. At the end of the 30 days call me and let me know how things are going."
At the end of the 30 days, John called the marriage counselor very excited. "I did just as you said and I have never felt better in my life!" he exclaimed over the phone.
"Great!" replied the counselor, "And how’s your wife?"
John paused and then replied with dismay, "How should I know? I’m 300 miles from home!"
One day a first-grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, "And so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'"
The teacher paused, then asked the class, "What do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Mackerel! A talking chicken!'"
A man found a magic genie who would grant him one wish. The man said to the genie, “I wish that I had a nonstop bridge from here to Hawaii." The genie said, “I’m sorry, but that's going to be very hard. Do you have another wish?" The man answered, "Of course! I want the power to understand all women."
The genie thought for a minute. He replied, "How many platforms did you want on that bridge?"